personal blog

you’d think 3 years of friendship actually meant something to a person but apparently i was someone who could easily be thrown out like fucking garbage

you threw me out of your life a few months ago and i am still so hurt and so angry and so betrayed i cannot even believe you accused me of not caring about your feelings when it was So Obvious to literally everyone that you were the most important person to me, that i cared about you so incredibly much

after everything we’ve been through, after everything we shared, after all i invested in our friendship the fact that you could just abandon me with no Actual Real explanation really shows me what kind of person you actually are and idk what breaks my heart more

i never expected anything like this to come from you. i don’t even know what i did to deserve such cruelty. for my best friend in the whole world to just basically tell me to fuck off. to be BLOCKED on every goddamn thing. thank you SO much for making me feel worthless and like a piece of shit about myself.

i always thought we were so close and so real with each other. i thought we could talk shit out and get through things together. it would have been EXCELLENT to have been told what i’d done or what was bothering you so much because hurting you/upsetting you was never ever my intention. i would have apologized and fixed it as best i could.

idk i understand you were stressed with school and that my visiting was at a weird time but i thought i’d left it up to you. you picked the weekend and how long i stayed for. you made it seem like you were so excited and i thought we had a really good time. it was toward the end that i felt tension and your stress, and even a little unwanted. more than anything, though, i felt so guilty that i couldnt help you with your midterms or relieve that stress at all. i loved visiting you. i loved spending time with you. just like last year, i had a great time.

i’m sorry you didnt. im sorry i was such a burden, that i ruined everything. i just wanted to be around you. im sorry if that was selfish or if you felt pressured into letting me visit. i didnt mean it, i swear. im so sorry.

i’ve tried not to give a shit but wow losing your best friend feels like somebody died. ive never cried so much and been so sad in my entire life. i finally thought i’d found a person i could trust and rely on for a really long time, maybe even forever.

now im so scared to really invest in another friendship like that. every best friend i’ve ever had has left me and hurt me. i must be fucking horrible or something.

its so hard to see you interacting with other people on twitter ive even tried filtering your name and username but fuck that filter app it doesnt work for shit

im just so hurt and so angry, mostly at myself.

this is all over the place but its shit i needed to get off my chest. im sorry

i havent posted on this in a few weeks but i am feeling very suicidal and depressed

what am i doing whoa omg

i am not productive in any way shape or form

i dont want to wake up 

i need to get a life that is Not on the internet i need to make some new friends and move on with my life and suddenly become motivated to get a job or commit suicide soon because those look like my only two options when i stand back and take a good look at myself

bc being online is pathetic and everything about it has turned really toxic and irritating and not fun for me anymore

my depression makes me want to sleep all day (because i dont want to wake up and live haha) and whenever im at my crappy parttime job i have to keep myself from having like 30 panic attacks because i hate being alive and around people so i’m currently unable to handle a fulltime job or function in public for long periods of time

and im 21 with no future or goals or Anything i literally have nothing

when i’m driving i always hope someone hits me and when i go to sleep i always hope i never wake up

a lot of people look at waking up as some kind of miracle and gift and i’m so fucking disappointed every time because there is no purpose for me. i am a waste and a leech with no talent and no motivation

i want to break down and scream really loudly and destroy things and cry and punch a hole in the wall

im like so appalled right now but hey whatever

i have to learn not to give a shit anymore it’s time to grow up

cant believe i accidentally ate gluten again hahahahhhhhh im so sick rn i want to die its like my body is refusing to process Everything

i dont like you. At All.

the amount of times a day i think about the least painful ways to kill myself is fucking sickening but holy fuck i just really want to die so badly it’s all i want and i don’t understand why i won’t just die

it should have been me instead of her
she was engaged, she was the sweetest, kindest, most hardworking young woman i knew in this shitty town. she always stopped when she saw me and took the time to ask how i am, how i was feeling lately, to make sure everything was okay in my life. she was selfless and adorable and loving. she deserved life, she deserved to live happily with the equally sweet man who loved her so much. i can’t believe it, i can’t believe i’m never gonna see her around again.

why do people with the biggest hearts and the most promise have to suffer and die so soon? why cant it be the wastes like me who sit around with no motivation to live at all

fuck why did she have to die

idk what to do anymore