personal blog

i havent posted on this in a few weeks but i am feeling very suicidal and depressed

what am i doing whoa omg

i am not productive in any way shape or form

i dont want to wake up 

i need to get a life that is Not on the internet i need to make some new friends and move on with my life and suddenly become motivated to get a job or commit suicide soon because those look like my only two options when i stand back and take a good look at myself

bc being online is pathetic and everything about it has turned really toxic and irritating and not fun for me anymore

my depression makes me want to sleep all day (because i dont want to wake up and live haha) and whenever im at my crappy parttime job i have to keep myself from having like 30 panic attacks because i hate being alive and around people so i’m currently unable to handle a fulltime job or function in public for long periods of time

and im 21 with no future or goals or Anything i literally have nothing

when i’m driving i always hope someone hits me and when i go to sleep i always hope i never wake up

a lot of people look at waking up as some kind of miracle and gift and i’m so fucking disappointed every time because there is no purpose for me. i am a waste and a leech with no talent and no motivation

i want to break down and scream really loudly and destroy things and cry and punch a hole in the wall

im like so appalled right now but hey whatever

i have to learn not to give a shit anymore it’s time to grow up

cant believe i accidentally ate gluten again hahahahhhhhh im so sick rn i want to die its like my body is refusing to process Everything

i dont like you. At All.

the amount of times a day i think about the least painful ways to kill myself is fucking sickening but holy fuck i just really want to die so badly it’s all i want and i don’t understand why i won’t just die

it should have been me instead of her
she was engaged, she was the sweetest, kindest, most hardworking young woman i knew in this shitty town. she always stopped when she saw me and took the time to ask how i am, how i was feeling lately, to make sure everything was okay in my life. she was selfless and adorable and loving. she deserved life, she deserved to live happily with the equally sweet man who loved her so much. i can’t believe it, i can’t believe i’m never gonna see her around again.

why do people with the biggest hearts and the most promise have to suffer and die so soon? why cant it be the wastes like me who sit around with no motivation to live at all

fuck why did she have to die

idk what to do anymore

theres like nothing for me to look forward to. this website has become boring and nothing is the same anymore. i’m really depressed and upset and i just dont wanna exist anymore.